By 40, Things Become Much Clearer

I'll say one thing - it's good to be at an age when reality is making itself very obvious in people's lives.

I mean, when I was in first year university and living away from home for the very first time, and tasting that blissful freedom of thought and of action, the men around me were in their early 20s, and like me, they had their whole lives in front of them.

Unencumbered by belongings or debt, and the majority of us still child-free at that point, College and University days were so full of promise and dreams, experiencing joy with friends and lovers, and seemingly only dotted with heartbreak and hard work to mire the otherwise perfect surface.

The men I looked at had so much "Potential", and while I had hated having that label applied to me as a child, I couldn't help but apply it to the ones around me as well. I couldn't help but look into their futures and dream a little for them. That's what life's like when you're 20.

And sure, it was great, but now that I'm closer to mid-life, I'm learning to put value on a man's "current" (position/mindset/values/whatever) as a large indicator of his "future" and the lessons I'm learning now are much easier to read and deal with in reality.

A Second Evening With The Dusty Ex

Last night I went to a small-venue rock concert with the Dusty Ex. This was the result of our first evening re-connecting out of the blue about a month ago, and plans having been made that night when talking about our mutual need to get out a bit more this spring.

Before we went to the concert, however, we chatted for a while at his place, smoked a small joint, and generally laughed and talked about life.

After only two evenings of chatting with him, it's very clear that although our paths have crossed, he's very unsure of his direction in life and has been weighing a thousand different scenarios in his head over the past year at the very least. He's also in a semi-stable financial position right now, but the future doesn't look very bright and he doesn't seem to have any real thought about how to mitigate the damage.

And, since I really want to be with a guy who has a strong sense of purpose and direction and a solid grip on financial matters, it inspires me to continue collecting quarters and filling my social time with my Mantris and my Friendtris.

Thankfully, he hasn't brought up any kind of "talk" as to what these meetings have been, other than general re-connection with someone from our 15+ yr past. But knowing that I left him and it was devastating for him emotionally, and that the woman he ended up marrying years later only recently left him (a year ago? not sure), I know he's in an emotionally vulnerable situation.

Sounds like a(nother) man who needs man friends around him. I'll definitely be letting him do that by simply not being available. Easy to do after only a couple of times seeing each other.

Three Things To Consider Before You Get Back Together With Your Ex

Love is a many splendored thing, they say.

When you're in that first flush of love, it feels wonderful, but when love cools down, or a relationship is ended completely, Love Sucks, doesn't it??!

We've all gone through break ups.  We've all been the one to instigate the break up, and we've all been the one shocked by it, at one time or another.

And even when we instigate it, by being passive-aggressive and thinking and acting in ways that destroy the sanctity of the relationship, if our partner is the one to actually say the words, we can still be pretty shocked.

Once the shock and anger and hurt has worn off, and you've taken stock of your contribution to the downfall of the relationship (instead of just blaming him for everything, which is convenient but doesn't help much), what if you reconnected with your Ex, and found that he, too, was "unencumbered" again, and obviously still enjoyed your company?

Should We Get Back Together?

The first thing you should consider before getting back together with your ex is whether it's really a good idea.  This will mean keeping your emotions under control, and taking time before agreeing to anything, so you can make sane decisions after some real thought.

Secondly, why did you guys break up in the first place?  It wouldn't hurt to take a few good hours to sit down and write a list of pro's and cons, and then ask yourself whether these things have really changed or if you're just conveniently overlooking or "hoping" for them to have.

A third important thing to remember before you go into a relationship with an ex is to clean your mental slate and start over.  Treat the relationship as if it's a new one, making new plans for the future and having new expectations of both yourself and of him, as well.  Drop everything that "used to be" part of the agreement, or re-negotiate to bring it into your new future.


And if you're doing like me, make sure you keep other Plan Men on your Mantris even while re-dating an ex - until he's initiated "the talk" and asked you to commit to a monogamous relationship with him, be sure to keep your options open so you don't get hooked in too deep too fast to another screwed up dynamic that is OH so hard to change once it gets going.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Playing With Fire: Get Back With The Ex Boyfriend

How To Get Your Lover Back

Have you ever read one of these "how to get your ex boyfriend back" type of books?

Did they help you at all, or just confuse you more?

Did they help you explore the reasons why you broke up with him in the first place?

Or if he dumped you, were they because of things that you could change, or were they just because of HIS own insecurities and internal struggles?

I've usually only relied on my girlfriends for this type of information, but I notice there's a lot of these types of books around, so people must be buying them if there's so many out there.

Have You Ever Gotten Back Together With An Ex - Successfully?

I know in our first ten years of intimate, non-familial relationships there tend to be a lot of turmoil going on around us.

In high school, I knew plenty of girlfriends and boyfriends who broke up and got back together over and over, until finally one day they didn't get back together, and instead one of them got together with someone new for a while.

Sometimes, that relationship would last for a while, and then it, too, would bread up, and the original couple would get back together and be quite happy together for a while.

This goes on from year to year, couple to couple, and is quite common in a high school and early college year environment.

But what about when you're an adult?  Say, you dated a few people, got married for years and years, got divorced, and then an old ex came back into your life?

Is it just playing with fire to consider dating an ex?  Or are there some success stories out there?

The Best Way To Get Him Back Forever!

Breaking up sucks.

It's one of the hardest things we have to do in our lives - make that decision, and follow through with it, and keep from relapsing back into old habits just because we're a little scared or lonely.

But what if you're not entirely sure you really WANTED to break up?

What if, when you look back, you can see places that would have easily resulted in something completely different in your relationship, if only you two had agreed to make a change?

Length Matters, Not Size

You've made this realization and have some regrets about your recent break up, or you wouldn't be reading the rest of this article.

What are you going to do about it?  And what CAN you do about it?

How long has it been since you two broke up?  What kind of contact has there been from him in the mean time?  Has he given any indication of remorse about breaking up, or has any contact mainly been about sexual needs?

And what about you?  Are you thinking of getting back together with him as a way to be able to get away with not having to meet new people - possibly ones that would be a better match in a relationship?

These are the things you need to ask yourself before you decide to "go for it" and "bare your soul" hoping that he will feel the same way and come back to you to try again, this time with an agreement that bonds you forever.

Another Best Way To Get Him Back

Some of us know that getting back together with our Ex isn't something we want to do.

Perhaps he was abusive.  Perhaps he was a criminal.  Perhaps he simply wanted different things from his life in a critical area, like having children when you didn't want them yourself, and you let him go so he could find someone to have kids with.

In this case, what's the best way to get him back, when you don't want him in your life anymore?

It's simple:

Living a great life, being happy, pursuing the things that bring you joy, and finding the right love that matches your desires... all those things are great ways to get him back.  That way when he hears about how you're doing - and he inevitably will - he'll know that he missed out on something great!

And isn't it wonderful how you benefit from getting him back forever, either way?

I think it's pretty cool.