Stages Of Awareness, A Real Life Example

Stages Of Awareness: A Real Life Example

You may have read Portia Nelson's Autobiography In Five Short Chapters and felt confused or unfocused, so I thought I'd provide a simple example of a man progressing through the five chapters in his life:

Man Seeking A Healthy Relationship

Someone I know is getting divorced from his wife. They separated physically 10 months ago after a 8 or 9 year marriage, and there are no children involved. The wife has had an affair yet clearly does not want to finalize the separation into divorce, and is clearly doing everything she can to stay in her ex's life.

There's no way she's signing divorce papers and he's too chicken to even present them to her because of the emotional shit-storm that will erupt. He can't handle the emotional barrage and does anything he can to avoid its wrath.

Stage One

"I walk down the street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I fall in. 
I am lost … I am helpless. 
It isn’t my fault. 
It takes me forever to find a way out."

The husband, in his conversations with friends when she's not around, is very focused on the fact that his now-ex still won't take a "no" answer from him and respect it as a boundary. She barges in on his life at every turn and has countless "emergencies" that she needs his help to resolve, and is relentless. His "no" doesn't mean a thing, he ends up just going along with whatever she says, and he's feeling very powerless.

In his powerlessness, he's feeling vengeful. He's very focused on all the women around him and says he's girlfriend-shopping like mad, with the specific intent of showing the ex that "it's over".

His close friends are watching in shock and dismay as this man wallows around in the first stage of awareness: He's in a hole, it's dark and confusing and he doesn't know how he got there, and it's "not his fault", and he's scraping and clawing at the walls to try to find a way out.

If this man DOES find a girlfriend that sticks with him once she realizes how much he's still involved with his ex-wife, the funny thing is that this man isn't going to get what he's expecting, either! Sure, for a short period of time he'll feel good having a girlfriend who says all the things to the ex that he wishes he could say, but that will wear thin, and that girlfriend will eventually re-direct her attention... to him. It won't be pretty.

Stage Two

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I pretend I don’t see it. 
I fall in again. 
I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. 
It still takes a long time to get out."

But, it'll move him solidly into the second stage of awareness: Walking down the same street that got him where he is right now in his current relationship, he'll fall into that hole again because he'll focus on the wrong parts and pretend he doesn't see the red flags. When the attention of the GF changes away from the ex-wife to him, he'll experience disbelief at being where he is again, and probably again think it's not his fault.

It's taking him a long time to extricate himself from ex-wife, it'll take a long time for him to extricate himself from girlfriend, but a shorter period of time this time. There will be improvement.

From here on in, I'm just going to talk about the optimal progression of his awareness - it will depend on focus on healthy behaviors and healthy relationships instead of on dysfunction how quickly he makes it through the rest of the phases, if at all.

Stage Three

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I see it is there. 
I still fall in … it’s a habit. 
My eyes are open. 
I know where I am. 
It is my fault. 
I get out immediately."

After Serious Girlfriend #1 and him break up, he'll feel quite a bit differently than he did when he and Ex Wife broke up. He'll be starting to feel his innate instincts about noticing healthy and unhealthy behavior, but his old patterns of behavior and personal programming will still be a strong factor in how he makes his decisions.

Because of his own behaviors and personal programmings, he will STILL attract the same type of women towards him, and because he finds some of their aspects exciting or relieving early on, he'll find himself back in the same thing AGAIN a third time, this time more out of habit than anything.

When the situation starts to take a turn after the honeymoon period, he recognizes it right away and knows - during the fact - that he's there and he's put himself there, and he's got to get himself out.

He gets out of this one very very quickly compared to the Ex Wife or Ex Serious Girlfriend #1, and with much less personal anguish.

Stage Four

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I walk around it."

He's made a lot of realizations and learned a lot and learned above all to trust his instincts a lot better by now.

He walks amongst the same women as before, only now he puts value on different aspects of them than he did before.

Say he valued only stunning beauties, or he valued someone with a high degree of education, or he thought sarcasm as a way to deal with the world was "cute" and "funny", but now he pays attention to issues like self-esteem and level of overall happiness in life as a priority...

He'd learn to disassociate his body's physical urges and needs (ie: sex) from the requirement of a relationship (ie: love), and when a stunning beauty with self-esteem issues and a bad outlook on life and love enters his orbit, he wouldn't end up locked in a toxic relationship because of sex and his beliefs about "what it means".

In this phase of awareness, he can duck and dive out of the way of the toxic beauties that used to entice and ensnare him.

Stage Five

"I walk down another street."

The fifth and final stage has our man purposely changing his social circles to reflect his new expectations of the world.

No longer is he happy to hang out at the bar or hit on co-workers to do his relationship "shopping". He doesn't walk down that same road anymore, because he recognizes that he's been doing that forever and it hasn't gotten him anywhere good yet.

Now he makes decisions to expand his social circles with specific goals in mind - to fulfill himself as a priority, to participate in something larger than himself, and to meet someone who is already on a similar life path as he is along the way, as something that will happen when it happens.

He walks down a different road.

Stages Of Awareness, Making Lasting Changes In Life

The most difficult thing about being successful in life is to make and adhere to the personal changes required to both attract success (whether in business or in this context, in a long term relationship that serves to lift all involved and is happy for the majority of its days), and then to allow it in.

As social beings in Canada and the US (and other places too, I just can't speak for their cultures), a lot of the information we receive about how to behave as we're growing up doesn't aim us towards these goals, however. We're not taught to "attract" success, we're taught to charge in after it and to "fight for it". And anyone who allows success into their lives suddenly gets labeled as a "bad guy" in some way, usually by pointing at how the "little people" are doing all the work and the successful one is a societal leech or predator.

The combination of these two modes of thought is a motivation killer, and creates a society of people who talk about working hard for success on one hand (while simultaneously sabotaging their own efforts so they're not REALLY successful) but who actively refuse to accept the benefits of success out of guilt or fear on the other.

Not all people are like this of course, but if you've been locked in between that "rock and a hard place" feeling, you know what I'm talking about.

For me, in the journey towards self-awareness and personal success in being able to keep in a positive state the majority of the time, I've spent a lot of time dwelling on the topic of Motivation, and how it interacts with its opposing forces.

In my growing awareness, this one story has been more useful to me than any other in explaining the inner process we all go through as human beings when we decide to make a change in our lives, to counter-act some motivation-killer or to find a way to augment the motivation we already have. It is a story of the Stages of Awareness, but unlike the rest of the references I see when I search in Google.

It is written as an autobiography, but I did not write it originally. Yet, it can still be used as an autobiography of any of us, because what the author speaks of is the universal truths and patterns behind making a real and lasting change in your life:


AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

by Portia Nelson

I. I walk down the street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I fall in. 
I am lost … I am helpless. 
It isn’t my fault. 
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II. I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I pretend I don’t see it. 
I fall in again. 
I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. 
It still takes a long time to get out.

III. I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I see it is there. 
I still fall in … it’s a habit. 
My eyes are open. 
I know where I am. 
It is my fault. 
I get out immediately.

IV. I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I walk around it.

V. I walk down another street.



My next entry will provide a Real Life example of someone progressing through these phases of awareness as he removes toxic influences from his life in favor of healthy, rewarding ones. Getting divorced, recovering, and finding the love of his life who treats him exactly as he wants to be treated.

My Secret To Fix Hair Frizz

I've got long hair.

Not super long, but long enough that it reaches my shoulders at its shortest, and since I only get cuts once or twice a year, the length creeps down my back over time and gets decently long.

And not only do I have long hair, but I have CURLY hair. And for those of us with natural curl in our hair, we're oh-so-familiar with one horrible thing: hair frizz!

As an athlete, I've gone through many periods of struggle with trying to fix my hair after damaging it in some way: swimming for hours a week in a chlorinated pool, holding it back for hours at a time with unfriendly hair elastics for other sports, and in general exposing it to dry air for months at a time in our cold wintry climate.

I've tried many solutions: used the heaviest of conditioners, avoided hair dryers and hair sprays, tried all kinds of after-shower spritz sprays... and they all worked, but only to a small degree. My hair was still unbelievably frizzy during all seasons, it's just that it was completely unmanagable when I didn't use the "taming" products, so unbelievably frizzy WAS an improvement.

Have You Found A Conditioner Strong Enough?

In my experience, most hair conditioners do their job way too daintily.

Many of them, like all of the conditioning products from my favorite soap and shampoo store Lush Cosmetics smell WONDERFUL and garner many compliments from those around me, but seem to do absolutely nothing to help tame my mane.

I use the VO5 hot oil conditioning treatment twice a month, and I'll admit, that does help a bit.

Do you know of a heavy duty conditioner that doesn't cost an arm and a leg that you could recommend to me?

Otherwise, I'll just continue doing what I've been doing ...

And I'll tell you all about it in Part Two!

Dating A Celebrity

I have been wandering around online, looking for other dating blogs similar to this one that I could read and comment on, using their entries as fodder for my own.

Today, one of the many I found was the Dating Support Network through my account on Blog Catalog.

One of its recent posts brings up the topic of Celebrity Dating, and it reminded me of my own adventures from years ago.

Have You Ever Dated A Celeb?

When I was 23, I was introduced to an athletic gentleman whose social circles brushed occasionally with mine.

In his 30s, he was fit, flexible, friendly, and well-liked.

I shook his hand during the personal introduction and said some friendly words, noticed how incredibly YUMMY he was, but kept my cool and continued along my way before my composure broke.

I spent the rest of the evening as part of the group that interacted with this attractive and inspiring athletic leader, and I watched how he worked with people and how they responded to him in return. I listened to the excited chatter of the teenagers after the session was complete, and laughed at how much of an effect this man had had on our small group.

Over the next year, I became aware of just how far this man's social influence had stretched, and how many people held him in a place of admiration in their hearts and minds. Both men and women lit up when his name was mentioned - young or old, anyone who had been able to spend even one evening learning from this athletic leader spoke of him with great enthusiasm forever afterwards.

So when he asked to drink from my cup after a hard workout, and I offered it to him saying "sure, but there's a love potion in there, so be careful", I'm not sure what got into me, other than to think that a guy so popular would never look at me, and therefore I didn't care that he might take me seriously.

Him playfully shrugging it off and then locking eyes with mine as he took the first drink ... was completely unexpected.

There were at least 10 others around us at that time, but the world disappeared and for a moment, only he and I existed.

What was to happen over the next two years would serve as fodder for thought for the 12+ that have passed since.

Stay tuned for more posts about this topic, for sure!

By 40, Things Become Much Clearer

I'll say one thing - it's good to be at an age when reality is making itself very obvious in people's lives.

I mean, when I was in first year university and living away from home for the very first time, and tasting that blissful freedom of thought and of action, the men around me were in their early 20s, and like me, they had their whole lives in front of them.

Unencumbered by belongings or debt, and the majority of us still child-free at that point, College and University days were so full of promise and dreams, experiencing joy with friends and lovers, and seemingly only dotted with heartbreak and hard work to mire the otherwise perfect surface.

The men I looked at had so much "Potential", and while I had hated having that label applied to me as a child, I couldn't help but apply it to the ones around me as well. I couldn't help but look into their futures and dream a little for them. That's what life's like when you're 20.

And sure, it was great, but now that I'm closer to mid-life, I'm learning to put value on a man's "current" (position/mindset/values/whatever) as a large indicator of his "future" and the lessons I'm learning now are much easier to read and deal with in reality.

A Second Evening With The Dusty Ex

Last night I went to a small-venue rock concert with the Dusty Ex. This was the result of our first evening re-connecting out of the blue about a month ago, and plans having been made that night when talking about our mutual need to get out a bit more this spring.

Before we went to the concert, however, we chatted for a while at his place, smoked a small joint, and generally laughed and talked about life.

After only two evenings of chatting with him, it's very clear that although our paths have crossed, he's very unsure of his direction in life and has been weighing a thousand different scenarios in his head over the past year at the very least. He's also in a semi-stable financial position right now, but the future doesn't look very bright and he doesn't seem to have any real thought about how to mitigate the damage.

And, since I really want to be with a guy who has a strong sense of purpose and direction and a solid grip on financial matters, it inspires me to continue collecting quarters and filling my social time with my Mantris and my Friendtris.

Thankfully, he hasn't brought up any kind of "talk" as to what these meetings have been, other than general re-connection with someone from our 15+ yr past. But knowing that I left him and it was devastating for him emotionally, and that the woman he ended up marrying years later only recently left him (a year ago? not sure), I know he's in an emotionally vulnerable situation.

Sounds like a(nother) man who needs man friends around him. I'll definitely be letting him do that by simply not being available. Easy to do after only a couple of times seeing each other.

How To Tell You're Not Ready To Date

Dating isn't for the faint of heart.

It's not easy to put yourself out there, put your ego on the line, or to risk either being rejected or being glommed onto by someone very desperate.

If you're not sure about your personal worth, or if you have self-esteem issues, there's nothing to say that you "shouldn't" date, but there's something to the thought that... perhaps you're not as ready as you'd like to believe you are.

An Example Of A Guy Who Just Ain't Ready

I was wandering around on OKCupid tonight, tweaking my profile to try to attract more responses, etc etc, when I got bored and started wandering around to new areas of the site I hadn't visited before.

I came across the Journals section of the site, and started to scroll through the most recent entries page. Nice that they're all filtered so it's all just guys within my required age range (not physical location range however), so I'm not reading all the women's posts too :)

One of the entries I came across made me laugh out loud, but not because the author was in any way trying to be that funny.

I thought to share it with you here:

Subject: ?????????

People, if you are not interested in talking to someone, could you please have the common courtesy to at least send a messege back, letting them know that you are not interested in talking, instead of ignoring them all together?

i know what alot of you women are thinking, why do fat, ugly guys even have profiles on here? well, i'm sorry, but we want to be loved to, so i'll tell you what i'm gonna do..., in about a wekk, or less, i'm gonna delete this profile, and then none of you will have to worry about me looking at your profiles, and sending a messege just simply saying hello!

My Response To The OKCupid Journal Dude

I wouldn't bother posting a response to his Journal, that's why I'm posting it here:

*blink in shock* LOL!

Dude... in NO WAY is there any "common courtesy" required on these online dating sites when it comes to having been contacted by someone who was interested in our profile. They don't HAVE to say "no" to you, and if you contact them too many times, it'll be YOU who gets in trouble for the lack of courtesy!

And wow, what a "woe is me" paragraph there he's got going on!

I just shake my head in complete confusion as to why him deleting his profile is a punishment or bad thing for any of the rest of us that he may be trying to contact.

Do guilt tactics like these REALLY attract any chicks for ya, man?

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ex That Blew Your Mind

I just finished being personally mortified in a Law of Attraction / vibrational sense by an otherwise great guest post over on the Dating Goddess website, and am now about to reset my vibration to clear out anything that I picked up while thinking about what I skimmed over in the article.

Actually, thinking again - the contrast I experienced from reading that article was SO INTENSE, I should probably expose myself to it again and practice turning it around in my head from what it's talking about (which is what I don't want) to one that matches what I DO want... Doesn't Abraham say that they wish for us to experience strong contrast so that we create even more passionately in our futures?

Yes, I think I'll write a response to that article, from another ... more positive angle :) More reflective of what kind of boyfriend I see myself having and loving next.

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

I know that the habit for most people is to get down on themselves if a relationship with a truly great person breaks up. It usually does it because of our own insecurities and therefore we know, deep down, that if we had just been a bit more secure with ourselves and not acted like such a nut so often, we could still have them with us, and that thought pains us.

According to the Law of Attraction, as we think about "lack" in our lives, we attract more of it. So the more we think about how we screwed up and how we wish we could go back and do it again and how we wish this person was still in our lives, the more we attract feelings of screwing up, wishing to escape from current time and escape to the past, and we alienate ourselves from more and more people as well.

On the other hand, if we are to use the Law of Attraction to our advantage, we could purposely put ourselves in a state of appreciation about the many aspects of past relationships that we recognize were good and healthy and rewarding, and send out (via our attention to it) the vibration of appreciation about the good things that came about via love, therefore attracting more good thoughts and good feelings and healthy versions of love into your thoughts and life experience.

So, with appreciation in mind, I share this 10-point ode to the various ex boyfriends, husbands, lovers and friends I've had in my life:

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

10. He taught you that joy and happiness and sexual passion are closely linked, and you learned to value making love out of happiness instead of sexual passion being associated with soothing your anxieties or self-esteem.

9. He taught you that "still waters run deep" - on the surface you couldn't have realized how deeply passionate he was about his personal interests, nor how much he knew and loved to share with others. Once you and he were close enough for you to "touch" those parts of him, it was like they lit up like a city within his eyes!

8. He helped you understand the true meaning of commitment, devotion and deep love, and helped you trust your own senses of those things more deeply than anyone else ever had.

7. You learned from him to fully trust the difference between natural human instinct and the power of the choices that we make when it comes to our physical actions. By watching and talking to him, and by watching and listening to yourself.

6. You learned from him that it can be completely comfortable to take personal space time when required, and his smile upon your return (and yours upon his) helps remind each other that you love to see each other come back around after taking their personal time. With this personal space you feel a sense of freedom and trust beyond measure.

5. You learned more about what truly thoughtful lovers look like, think like, value, and are capable of inspiring within you. You've experienced passions that you didn't realize were there - animal in nature yet intelligent and rational as well. And isn't it great that he knows exactly where it's appropriate to act like lovers, and where more indetectable inside jokes are a better form of foreplay (when others are around)??!!

4. He taught you that every relationship provides contrast - even the most rewarding ones with the most passion, love, devotion and shared dreams. He gave you WAY more good stuff than bad stuff to focus on about him, which made him even easier to love as you practice keeping your attention on what you want, not what you don't want.

3. You learned, while being in a relationship, that a man's love of life in general, and confidence in things always turning out for the best, along with his innate trust in the people around him to make loving, responsible decisions CAN influence your personal will and strength to strive to be the best person you can be. Your trust of your judgement combined with his trust of his judgement is incredibly powerful, and you learned what a gift it was to return that trust and power to others around you.

2. Once the relationship ended, you were fully convinced that a lot of what other women talk about in their relationships doesn't HAVE to happen, and by trusting your own instincts (aka emotional guidance system) you'll be so relaxed with yourself and how life is going that you'll have your choice of men and be able to find an even BETTER match next time around.

1. All of your boyfriends in your life - good, bad or indifferent - have helped you clarify your "perfect" relationship: What you don't want, what you DO want, what's important to you, and what you hadn't thought about but would like to think about more. Be open to your own internal guidance and learn from it, and reap the rewards!

So, here's the best thing to do with the one that got away: say "thanks," appreciate the great things he taught you ARE really out there, and get ready to attract the next one that will be EVEN BETTER!

Sexual Polarity Between The Feminine And Masculine

I was introduced to the author David Deida before my divorce, and have listened to two of his audiobooks a number of times over the years:

The Way Of The Superior Man
Enlightened Sex

He's got other books out, but these two were so meaty on their own that I haven't felt the need to move on to the many other books he's written, quite yet.

(erm, wow, there's a lot of them, on tantra, finding God, enlightenment, etc etc)

These books introduced to me the concept of Feminine and Masculine essences, and how Sexual Polarity actually works within relationships.


Not All Feminine, Not All Masculine

A basic premise to Deida's writings is that men and women are physical shells and their sex does not determine what their default "essences" will be.  Women have distinctly masculine essences in certain areas of their lives, while being obviously feminine in others, while Men can also have feminine qualities while also obviously being masculine in others.

Deida speaks of emotional development through life phases that both men and women share, but experience differently because of their base roles in each phase, and I have found these explanations to be equally profound each time I've listened to the audio over the last five or so years.

Learning To Surrender, To Play Into Sexual Polarity

I'll admit, as my last serious relationship broke down further and further, I took on more and more of a masculine role in my own life.  I nurtured less, I focused less on loving, I took charge more, I decided direction and went with it, to hell with others who whined but had no logic to back up their complaints.

Now, over the last few years I've been nurturing the feminine within me little by little, bringing her out gently by the hand to allow her to whisper to me what her world looks like and what brings her joy.  I've been strengthening her confidence that I'll listen, by taking part in what she suggests.

Laying in my bed, in my workshop in my mind, she introduces me to the polar masculine traits that are magnetized to her, and together we feel the intensity of that connection.  It's like a little taste of what's to come if I continue to trust her.

Thank you, David Deida.  You've got great stuff.

What's The Difference Between 2.25 Man and 3.5 Man?

As I think about my own Mantris, and how to decide when a man moves from Quarter to Half to Whole to more, there's a lot that I can turn to The Four Man Plan book for, on its own, and that's great.

I'm finding that I'm struggling a bit with the 2.25 Man vs the 3.5 Man internally, even after having read the book a few times over.

So, this morning I pulled out the book again and went to the chapter about the 3.5 Man, and read what Cindy Lu's definition of the man was.

In short, without mentioning marriage or engagement or anything, there's a level of monogamous commitment on both sides of the relationship with a 3.5 Man.  A 2.25 Man, on the other hand, is a Plan Man that a 4MPer is sleeping with, yes, and monogamous with from her side, but there is no guarantee nor verbal commitment from the Plan Man's side that he, too, is being monogamous.

And of course, since according to The Four Man Plan structure, we women are not to initiate "the talk", we're also encouraged to continue keeping our Mantris filled even if we have a 2.25 man, up until the point that he initiates "the talk", or until we find that the relationship fades and another blossoms with more promise before us.

Shouldn't A 3.5 Man Commit To Engagement?

This is the thought that is going through my mind that I'm trying to reconcile in some way.

For me, it's been super easy to find a guy who wants to be in a monogamous relationship with me, but those ones that want to jump into them early on (ie: he asks to go from a Whole Man to a 3.5 Man in one fell swoop) don't tend to want to do it for healthy reasons.

This one realization makes me want to treat a 3.5 man like a marriage proposal instead of just a "commit to me, I'll commit to you, and let's see if this will work" thing.   Meaning, up until the point that we actually know that we mesh well enough to get engaged and plan our futures together both emotionally and financially, a Plan Man can get to a 2.25 status at maximum, and while I will agree to sexual fidelity, the 2.25 status is a limited time offer and either progresses to 3.5 or goes to zero.  Within what length of time?  I don't know.

Six months?  At my age, that should be enough time once we've entered into the "I won't let anyone else touch me under my clothes, just you" sexualized 2.25 phase of the game - and if a guy isn't ready to commit to more by that time, I'll need to continue with the other men on my Mantris, probably having to ramp up on getting new quarters and focusing my attention ahead and moving on, so I can squeeze him out of the Mantris completely.

At any rate, I guess I have to think about how to communicate this expectation - but not yet, since I'm not at that point, thankfully!

What's The Longest Period Of Time You've Ever Dated?

So, girls and boys.... tell me, do!

What's the longest period of time you've ever just "dated"?

Meaning, dating multiple people and not just committed to one person in a more-or-less monogamous boyfriend/girlfriend, you're-my-only-one relationship?

I was looking around for other dating blogs, and I ran across one on Cosmopolitan for a "Joe Hottie" dating blog... some guy writing about his dating adventures.  Unfortunately, by the time I got there, Joe had already stopped blogging because after four months of blogging and two months dating a specific girl, he initiated "the talk" and committed to being a boyfriend, and stopped blogging.

According to the editor, this is the third Joe Hottie that they had in this type of blogging scenario and all three of them bailed within the same time frame, unwilling to continue blogging after being in a relationship.  Ah well.  What he already wrote is timeless, and entertaining for years after it's posted.

But reading the lament of the editor in that blog as she closed it off a year ago made me wonder how long I will be doing this "dating blog" myself, and how challenging it might be to keep a blog roll of other active dating and relationship blogs as people feel the need to stop blogging to respect the privacy of their new blossoming relationships.

I think I'm going to go into My Workshop today, and bring with me the thought of continuing to blog about important blossoming relationship things after finding someone worthy of being my 3.5 man.  Already it's inspiring a lot of emotional contrast, because it requires a degree of openness that I've never had to share, and society has always discouraged through the encouragement of personal diaries and the sanctity of them.

I think it would be amazing despite the initial discomfort, however.  Already I can see how conversations that failed to happen in previous relationships (but really NEEDED to have happened) would automatically happen, and frankly, it would be one of the things that would help vibrate the wrong man out of my life if he can't handle that I have my own thoughts that might not be "correct".

There's definitely some things that scare me, however - blogging has quite often been about sorting out my thoughts before I have any conversations with anyone else about the issues.  Most times, my own sorting out process means I don't really have to have the same conversations as before I took the time to sort out my thoughts - I figure out what's confusing me and suddenly my concerns don't make sense anymore, so I progress on happily.  But in the mean time, others read my confusion and pick it up as their own, and lash out at me as a way to help themselves feel better...

Hmm, maybe it isn't that scary.  I know what's mine and what's yours, and this just reinforces it :)

Three Things To Consider Before You Get Back Together With Your Ex

Love is a many splendored thing, they say.

When you're in that first flush of love, it feels wonderful, but when love cools down, or a relationship is ended completely, Love Sucks, doesn't it??!

We've all gone through break ups.  We've all been the one to instigate the break up, and we've all been the one shocked by it, at one time or another.

And even when we instigate it, by being passive-aggressive and thinking and acting in ways that destroy the sanctity of the relationship, if our partner is the one to actually say the words, we can still be pretty shocked.

Once the shock and anger and hurt has worn off, and you've taken stock of your contribution to the downfall of the relationship (instead of just blaming him for everything, which is convenient but doesn't help much), what if you reconnected with your Ex, and found that he, too, was "unencumbered" again, and obviously still enjoyed your company?

Should We Get Back Together?

The first thing you should consider before getting back together with your ex is whether it's really a good idea.  This will mean keeping your emotions under control, and taking time before agreeing to anything, so you can make sane decisions after some real thought.

Secondly, why did you guys break up in the first place?  It wouldn't hurt to take a few good hours to sit down and write a list of pro's and cons, and then ask yourself whether these things have really changed or if you're just conveniently overlooking or "hoping" for them to have.

A third important thing to remember before you go into a relationship with an ex is to clean your mental slate and start over.  Treat the relationship as if it's a new one, making new plans for the future and having new expectations of both yourself and of him, as well.  Drop everything that "used to be" part of the agreement, or re-negotiate to bring it into your new future.


And if you're doing like me, make sure you keep other Plan Men on your Mantris even while re-dating an ex - until he's initiated "the talk" and asked you to commit to a monogamous relationship with him, be sure to keep your options open so you don't get hooked in too deep too fast to another screwed up dynamic that is OH so hard to change once it gets going.

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Playing With Fire: Get Back With The Ex Boyfriend

How To Get Your Lover Back

Have you ever read one of these "how to get your ex boyfriend back" type of books?

Did they help you at all, or just confuse you more?

Did they help you explore the reasons why you broke up with him in the first place?

Or if he dumped you, were they because of things that you could change, or were they just because of HIS own insecurities and internal struggles?

I've usually only relied on my girlfriends for this type of information, but I notice there's a lot of these types of books around, so people must be buying them if there's so many out there.

Have You Ever Gotten Back Together With An Ex - Successfully?

I know in our first ten years of intimate, non-familial relationships there tend to be a lot of turmoil going on around us.

In high school, I knew plenty of girlfriends and boyfriends who broke up and got back together over and over, until finally one day they didn't get back together, and instead one of them got together with someone new for a while.

Sometimes, that relationship would last for a while, and then it, too, would bread up, and the original couple would get back together and be quite happy together for a while.

This goes on from year to year, couple to couple, and is quite common in a high school and early college year environment.

But what about when you're an adult?  Say, you dated a few people, got married for years and years, got divorced, and then an old ex came back into your life?

Is it just playing with fire to consider dating an ex?  Or are there some success stories out there?

The Best Way To Get Him Back Forever!

Breaking up sucks.

It's one of the hardest things we have to do in our lives - make that decision, and follow through with it, and keep from relapsing back into old habits just because we're a little scared or lonely.

But what if you're not entirely sure you really WANTED to break up?

What if, when you look back, you can see places that would have easily resulted in something completely different in your relationship, if only you two had agreed to make a change?

Length Matters, Not Size

You've made this realization and have some regrets about your recent break up, or you wouldn't be reading the rest of this article.

What are you going to do about it?  And what CAN you do about it?

How long has it been since you two broke up?  What kind of contact has there been from him in the mean time?  Has he given any indication of remorse about breaking up, or has any contact mainly been about sexual needs?

And what about you?  Are you thinking of getting back together with him as a way to be able to get away with not having to meet new people - possibly ones that would be a better match in a relationship?

These are the things you need to ask yourself before you decide to "go for it" and "bare your soul" hoping that he will feel the same way and come back to you to try again, this time with an agreement that bonds you forever.

Another Best Way To Get Him Back

Some of us know that getting back together with our Ex isn't something we want to do.

Perhaps he was abusive.  Perhaps he was a criminal.  Perhaps he simply wanted different things from his life in a critical area, like having children when you didn't want them yourself, and you let him go so he could find someone to have kids with.

In this case, what's the best way to get him back, when you don't want him in your life anymore?

It's simple:

Living a great life, being happy, pursuing the things that bring you joy, and finding the right love that matches your desires... all those things are great ways to get him back.  That way when he hears about how you're doing - and he inevitably will - he'll know that he missed out on something great!

And isn't it wonderful how you benefit from getting him back forever, either way?

I think it's pretty cool.

The Girlfriend Code of Ethics, Dealing With The Ex

Ha ha ha, I asked for more contrast in my life, and I got it!

I'm now beginning to clear out some old cobwebby, socially-programmed habits regarding The Ex (and Ex can be plural, but Exes doesn't look as good), and have also run into an Ex from almost a half a lifetime ago who I've been talking to lately.

First I'll talk about the social programming regarding the more recent Ex, and then I'll delve into information about the Dusty Ex (you know, the one I found up in a box in my attic that I didn't think I'd see again).

Social Programming and The Girlfriend Code of Ethics

What do you think, people?

If you were workmates in a small, intimate company with both sides of a couple who had been married for nearly 10 years and divorced in the last few, and you got involved with the man after he was divorced, what respects, if any, would you extend to the ex-wife?

What if you kept in contact on a social site with the ex-wife (liking almost every status line and making cheery comments on others), and agreed to meet for coffee to "catch up" after many years of not seeing one another?

At what point would you admit to being more than "just friends", and therefore having had access to his innermost deep thoughts ... about MY relationship with HIM?

And why do I even CARE?  Or DO I even care...  I wax and wane between these things, but I really do think that all those questions above come from my social conditioning and from the Girlfriend Code of Ethics that I somehow learned about in my early teen years.

I'm confident that we broke up for good reasons, that it was about the only thing we could really do since counselling failed so miserably (with him giving up or walking out, claiming we had only one problem in our relationship, yet he asked for a divorce from me after that one problem was resolved) and I would have had to have given up my very soul to stay with him.

He's always wanted to "be friends" and every time I've had any contact with him, or heard from others within my social circle who have contact with him, he comes across as a depressed, lonely, self-loathing guy, which repels any interest of mine in fostering a friendship with healthier boundaries than I managed while we were married (moved in together way too fast).

I guess I care because I know that at the end of our relationship, after "the talk", the stuff he was spouting about why he thought I was doing what I was doing was flabbergasting.  Utterly flabbergasting.  I was shocked and speechless that he'd ever think that I'd be that kind of person.

But I realized very quickly that he was just re-writing his vision of me into something that was more in line with the fact that we had broken up and weren't going to be together forever anymore.  He needed to feel like I was the bad guy in order to make the transition.

So I did pretty well at not taking it personally.

Until going for coffee with this old workmate (I'm looking to increase my quota of girlfriends too, not just boys to date), and finding someone who is nice and cheery to my face, but if she's as "tight" with my ex as she claims to be (and oh god, he's her "life coach"! *boggle*) then what lines of BS has she been fed about my part of our breakup?

But again, Law of Attraction... I'm doing my best to focus on what I want, not what I don't want.

As a result, I'm putting more efforts into finding other female friends to fill my Friendtris (like the Mantris, but more for my girlfriend social needs), planning to "squeeze out" this girl from the wee spot she holds.  I'm also not initiating meet-ups where we may talk about what's going on in our lives, because I don't want to feed her anything she can bring back.  If she asks me, I will conveniently be busy.

Oh, and I think I should add... the story she told outside of any interaction with my ex was a scary one as well.   Not thought processes and life habits I want to bring into my close circles that can influence my vibration!  She's not a good girlfriend choice, but she sure has made me think.

Filling My "Four Man Plan" Mantris

I've decided to jump on this Four Man Plan bandwagon, and have signed up for some online dating sites, and have some conversations going on there, but when I read the Four Man Plan forum and see other people starting out with week one, I feel like I'm way behind, and way slow compared to them.

Some of them seem to be able to put 10 Plan Men onto their graphs within the first week, and I've only managed two!

I think my challenge is that right now I feel like I'm in a "waiting" phase in my life.

I don't have a normal J.O.B. through which to get exposure to socialization (I am a self-employed writer), and a hobby that used to consume a large portion of my life and thought time has been put by the wayside lately, and I haven't quite found that "new thing" yet to dive into.

And as a "mesovert" (one who vascillates between introvert and extrovert) I have kept only a small group of friends because my overall social needs are low. Being a happy person who believes in the Law of Allowing, I can be happy alone or with others, after all. But that doesn't help in terms of finding new potentials for dating and for a long term relationship.

I have to keep telling myself that getting involved in a bunch of new social groups is ultimately the best choice for me right now, and the dates will flow along naturally. I'm an athletic, attractive, single, happy, mid-30s woman without children... the only thing that is missing in my life right now to fill the mantris is the social connections.

So part of my building my mantris for the first while, ultimately, is to discuss what I'm doing to increase my socialization exposure in the world.

So on that note, I've spent some time thinking, with the Law of Attraction and The Secret as a fundamental basic portion of the thought process, about what my life would be like if it were PERFECT.

Not saying we ever GET there, but the aspiration towards the eternally blissful and energetic state is a noble one, in my mind.

I've come to terms with the fact that there are some people who thrive on teaching other people what they've learned, and then there are people who thrive on learning what other people have to teach. I'm sure there are people who fall into other categories, but I'm looking at the contrast of my roommate (who is my also adult brother) and myself in this example, where he's the teacher, and I'm the student.

Not that he's MY teacher, or that I'm HIS student... but when we talk about what inspires us and what excites us, he often talks about being out in front of other people and sharing his knowledge and helping others along their path. For me, however, I am excited by the thought of learning and understanding the various ideas and structures around me, and exploring the human emotional connection to the ideas and philosophies and rules. If someone wants to talk with me about my observations, I'm always up for a conversation, but generally I'm more interested in exploring and learning and understanding and asking questions.

With this realization that I am an eternal student, I've begun to refer to myself as a wide-eyed student of the world, and have begun to look around the world with a student's eyes instead of worrying about student equaling "child" in some way.

Allowing myself to be a student, I am looking around my local area for opportunities to learn. And being child-free but believing that children need outside-the-family positive influences just as much as they need loving parents, my eyes are heading towards sports.

Every organized gathering needs people to fulfill different functions, and sports are a great foundation for those little humans growing up into adulthood.

I have started to make contacts around regarding getting into Officials and Referee clinics for various sports in my city - baseball, sailing, swimming and badminton being the first four. I fully expect that once I get into those social atmospheres and start to gain familiarity and make friends, I'll be able to fill up my empty Mantris spots without much effort.

But until then, I spend time in my workshop thinking about what the perfect, ultimate relationship would be like. What would it be like when I walk into the door of our shared abode? What passions would I take on as mine, that he would appreciate, and what passions would he have that I could appreciate for him, as well? What agreements would we come to that would be mutually beneficial and life and energy-affirming?

It will be very interesting to work out the thoughts that are inspired by this whole process, especially once I start actively going out on dates more.

I hope you'll subscribe and come back to read about it, and share your thoughts and reactions!

The Four Man Plan Mantris, Explained

The central object that 4MP'rs (four man planners) use to keep track of the "game" they're playing is called a Mantris.

What Is A "Mantris"?

Basically, it's a square graph divided into 16 equal sections, and the "rules" about how to fill out the spots in the graph are explained in the book.

Players are filling the spots on the graph with ... people. Men, called "Plan Men", who are in this player's "dating vortex" at the time. There are specific rules about how to add men to the Mantris, and how to remove them from the mantris, and the rules are in place to help circumvent some of the regular problems we women create for ourselves when trying to find a life partner.

Things like, making a decision on the value of a person based upon the shape of their nose, or the color of their hair (or lack of it), or what services they have chosen to provide to the world in order to sustain their basic physical needs of food, shelter and clothing.

Players are encouraged to fill up their mantris completely, and keep it as filled as possible while using the ruleset provided by the author, Cindy Lu.

Isn't This Using People?

Yes, and no.

Single people seeking a mutually fulfilling long term relationship need to be very honest with themselves about what they view a fulfilling relationship to be, and once they've been honest with themselves, they need to go out into the world and explore to seek people who are on the same wavelength (or at least a nearby vibration).

It's quite likely that the initial people that are attracted to being with this single person aren't really going to be on the same wavelength, deep down. On the surface it will seem that they are, but with further examination, it's found that the long term vibrations and wavelengths don't match. In being responsible to themselves, every single person needs to acknowledge this for themselves and therefore not feel badly at the interest of looking around - without getting hugely involved immediately - to find that person whose long-term wavelength is harmonious.

Of course, that's not to say that people and relationships won't change over time. This is just to say that initially, it's better to take the time and put in the effort and emotional maturity required to shop around a bit before committing to combining wavelengths in a long term relationship.

I know that these people on my Mantris are real people, but that doesn't mean I should feel responsible for their feelings or their actions or what they wish I would wish for, too. I'm glad to feel responsible to my own feelings and the Four Man Plan ruleset that makes a LOT of sense to me, and allows me to say no to what I don't want, by saying yes to other things instead, and not feeling guilty about it!

Welcome to my Four Man Plan Dating Blog

Welcome to my Four Man Plan Dating Blog!

I am a divorced, mid-30s female who DOESN'T suck at love, but does enjoy having a structure to follow in terms of how to make good decisions to build a good future.

Probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but me, but if you stick around and read my thoughts you might get some idea of it :)

What Is The Four Man Plan?

It's a book by Cindy Lu, and it's also a "dating structure ruleset" designed to help women (and femme gay men?) find an awesome long term relationship while not allowing themselves to get snagged into a poor quality one.

Having been part of a the dynamic of a codependent relationship in the past, despite the fact that the man and myself are both awesome people (just not awesome together), I aspire to greatness in this next one, and finding the Four Man Plan has been a blessing.

Within its rules I find comfort and relief, because I can not only see guilt-mongering techniques (those are the ones that I allowed myself to be sucked into previous bad relationships with), but I have new strategies for how to handle them, without worrying how "hurt" the guilt-mongerer will tell me they feel.

Within this blog, I will write my thoughts about applying this dating ruleset to my life.

And oh yeah, I'm also strongly influenced by the teachings in The Secret and the Law of Attraction:

Rule to live by:  Think about what you want, not what you don't want.

Rule to live by:  The universe will match your vibration, so be mindful to imagine yourself having already accomplished or achieved what it is you want to accomplish or achieve, and bask in the glory of that feeling, instead of thinking about what "is" right now, what is missing, or what doesn't feel good.

I'm using this diary to work out my thoughts and feelings.