Stages Of Awareness, A Real Life Example

Stages Of Awareness: A Real Life Example

You may have read Portia Nelson's Autobiography In Five Short Chapters and felt confused or unfocused, so I thought I'd provide a simple example of a man progressing through the five chapters in his life:

Man Seeking A Healthy Relationship

Someone I know is getting divorced from his wife. They separated physically 10 months ago after a 8 or 9 year marriage, and there are no children involved. The wife has had an affair yet clearly does not want to finalize the separation into divorce, and is clearly doing everything she can to stay in her ex's life.

There's no way she's signing divorce papers and he's too chicken to even present them to her because of the emotional shit-storm that will erupt. He can't handle the emotional barrage and does anything he can to avoid its wrath.

Stage One

"I walk down the street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I fall in. 
I am lost … I am helpless. 
It isn’t my fault. 
It takes me forever to find a way out."

The husband, in his conversations with friends when she's not around, is very focused on the fact that his now-ex still won't take a "no" answer from him and respect it as a boundary. She barges in on his life at every turn and has countless "emergencies" that she needs his help to resolve, and is relentless. His "no" doesn't mean a thing, he ends up just going along with whatever she says, and he's feeling very powerless.

In his powerlessness, he's feeling vengeful. He's very focused on all the women around him and says he's girlfriend-shopping like mad, with the specific intent of showing the ex that "it's over".

His close friends are watching in shock and dismay as this man wallows around in the first stage of awareness: He's in a hole, it's dark and confusing and he doesn't know how he got there, and it's "not his fault", and he's scraping and clawing at the walls to try to find a way out.

If this man DOES find a girlfriend that sticks with him once she realizes how much he's still involved with his ex-wife, the funny thing is that this man isn't going to get what he's expecting, either! Sure, for a short period of time he'll feel good having a girlfriend who says all the things to the ex that he wishes he could say, but that will wear thin, and that girlfriend will eventually re-direct her attention... to him. It won't be pretty.

Stage Two

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I pretend I don’t see it. 
I fall in again. 
I can’t believe I am in the same place but, it isn’t my fault. 
It still takes a long time to get out."

But, it'll move him solidly into the second stage of awareness: Walking down the same street that got him where he is right now in his current relationship, he'll fall into that hole again because he'll focus on the wrong parts and pretend he doesn't see the red flags. When the attention of the GF changes away from the ex-wife to him, he'll experience disbelief at being where he is again, and probably again think it's not his fault.

It's taking him a long time to extricate himself from ex-wife, it'll take a long time for him to extricate himself from girlfriend, but a shorter period of time this time. There will be improvement.

From here on in, I'm just going to talk about the optimal progression of his awareness - it will depend on focus on healthy behaviors and healthy relationships instead of on dysfunction how quickly he makes it through the rest of the phases, if at all.

Stage Three

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I see it is there. 
I still fall in … it’s a habit. 
My eyes are open. 
I know where I am. 
It is my fault. 
I get out immediately."

After Serious Girlfriend #1 and him break up, he'll feel quite a bit differently than he did when he and Ex Wife broke up. He'll be starting to feel his innate instincts about noticing healthy and unhealthy behavior, but his old patterns of behavior and personal programming will still be a strong factor in how he makes his decisions.

Because of his own behaviors and personal programmings, he will STILL attract the same type of women towards him, and because he finds some of their aspects exciting or relieving early on, he'll find himself back in the same thing AGAIN a third time, this time more out of habit than anything.

When the situation starts to take a turn after the honeymoon period, he recognizes it right away and knows - during the fact - that he's there and he's put himself there, and he's got to get himself out.

He gets out of this one very very quickly compared to the Ex Wife or Ex Serious Girlfriend #1, and with much less personal anguish.

Stage Four

"I walk down the same street. 
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 
I walk around it."

He's made a lot of realizations and learned a lot and learned above all to trust his instincts a lot better by now.

He walks amongst the same women as before, only now he puts value on different aspects of them than he did before.

Say he valued only stunning beauties, or he valued someone with a high degree of education, or he thought sarcasm as a way to deal with the world was "cute" and "funny", but now he pays attention to issues like self-esteem and level of overall happiness in life as a priority...

He'd learn to disassociate his body's physical urges and needs (ie: sex) from the requirement of a relationship (ie: love), and when a stunning beauty with self-esteem issues and a bad outlook on life and love enters his orbit, he wouldn't end up locked in a toxic relationship because of sex and his beliefs about "what it means".

In this phase of awareness, he can duck and dive out of the way of the toxic beauties that used to entice and ensnare him.

Stage Five

"I walk down another street."

The fifth and final stage has our man purposely changing his social circles to reflect his new expectations of the world.

No longer is he happy to hang out at the bar or hit on co-workers to do his relationship "shopping". He doesn't walk down that same road anymore, because he recognizes that he's been doing that forever and it hasn't gotten him anywhere good yet.

Now he makes decisions to expand his social circles with specific goals in mind - to fulfill himself as a priority, to participate in something larger than himself, and to meet someone who is already on a similar life path as he is along the way, as something that will happen when it happens.

He walks down a different road.

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ex That Blew Your Mind

I just finished being personally mortified in a Law of Attraction / vibrational sense by an otherwise great guest post over on the Dating Goddess website, and am now about to reset my vibration to clear out anything that I picked up while thinking about what I skimmed over in the article.

Actually, thinking again - the contrast I experienced from reading that article was SO INTENSE, I should probably expose myself to it again and practice turning it around in my head from what it's talking about (which is what I don't want) to one that matches what I DO want... Doesn't Abraham say that they wish for us to experience strong contrast so that we create even more passionately in our futures?

Yes, I think I'll write a response to that article, from another ... more positive angle :) More reflective of what kind of boyfriend I see myself having and loving next.

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

I know that the habit for most people is to get down on themselves if a relationship with a truly great person breaks up. It usually does it because of our own insecurities and therefore we know, deep down, that if we had just been a bit more secure with ourselves and not acted like such a nut so often, we could still have them with us, and that thought pains us.

According to the Law of Attraction, as we think about "lack" in our lives, we attract more of it. So the more we think about how we screwed up and how we wish we could go back and do it again and how we wish this person was still in our lives, the more we attract feelings of screwing up, wishing to escape from current time and escape to the past, and we alienate ourselves from more and more people as well.

On the other hand, if we are to use the Law of Attraction to our advantage, we could purposely put ourselves in a state of appreciation about the many aspects of past relationships that we recognize were good and healthy and rewarding, and send out (via our attention to it) the vibration of appreciation about the good things that came about via love, therefore attracting more good thoughts and good feelings and healthy versions of love into your thoughts and life experience.

So, with appreciation in mind, I share this 10-point ode to the various ex boyfriends, husbands, lovers and friends I've had in my life:

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

10. He taught you that joy and happiness and sexual passion are closely linked, and you learned to value making love out of happiness instead of sexual passion being associated with soothing your anxieties or self-esteem.

9. He taught you that "still waters run deep" - on the surface you couldn't have realized how deeply passionate he was about his personal interests, nor how much he knew and loved to share with others. Once you and he were close enough for you to "touch" those parts of him, it was like they lit up like a city within his eyes!

8. He helped you understand the true meaning of commitment, devotion and deep love, and helped you trust your own senses of those things more deeply than anyone else ever had.

7. You learned from him to fully trust the difference between natural human instinct and the power of the choices that we make when it comes to our physical actions. By watching and talking to him, and by watching and listening to yourself.

6. You learned from him that it can be completely comfortable to take personal space time when required, and his smile upon your return (and yours upon his) helps remind each other that you love to see each other come back around after taking their personal time. With this personal space you feel a sense of freedom and trust beyond measure.

5. You learned more about what truly thoughtful lovers look like, think like, value, and are capable of inspiring within you. You've experienced passions that you didn't realize were there - animal in nature yet intelligent and rational as well. And isn't it great that he knows exactly where it's appropriate to act like lovers, and where more indetectable inside jokes are a better form of foreplay (when others are around)??!!

4. He taught you that every relationship provides contrast - even the most rewarding ones with the most passion, love, devotion and shared dreams. He gave you WAY more good stuff than bad stuff to focus on about him, which made him even easier to love as you practice keeping your attention on what you want, not what you don't want.

3. You learned, while being in a relationship, that a man's love of life in general, and confidence in things always turning out for the best, along with his innate trust in the people around him to make loving, responsible decisions CAN influence your personal will and strength to strive to be the best person you can be. Your trust of your judgement combined with his trust of his judgement is incredibly powerful, and you learned what a gift it was to return that trust and power to others around you.

2. Once the relationship ended, you were fully convinced that a lot of what other women talk about in their relationships doesn't HAVE to happen, and by trusting your own instincts (aka emotional guidance system) you'll be so relaxed with yourself and how life is going that you'll have your choice of men and be able to find an even BETTER match next time around.

1. All of your boyfriends in your life - good, bad or indifferent - have helped you clarify your "perfect" relationship: What you don't want, what you DO want, what's important to you, and what you hadn't thought about but would like to think about more. Be open to your own internal guidance and learn from it, and reap the rewards!

So, here's the best thing to do with the one that got away: say "thanks," appreciate the great things he taught you ARE really out there, and get ready to attract the next one that will be EVEN BETTER!

The Best Way To Get Him Back Forever!

Breaking up sucks.

It's one of the hardest things we have to do in our lives - make that decision, and follow through with it, and keep from relapsing back into old habits just because we're a little scared or lonely.

But what if you're not entirely sure you really WANTED to break up?

What if, when you look back, you can see places that would have easily resulted in something completely different in your relationship, if only you two had agreed to make a change?

Length Matters, Not Size

You've made this realization and have some regrets about your recent break up, or you wouldn't be reading the rest of this article.

What are you going to do about it?  And what CAN you do about it?

How long has it been since you two broke up?  What kind of contact has there been from him in the mean time?  Has he given any indication of remorse about breaking up, or has any contact mainly been about sexual needs?

And what about you?  Are you thinking of getting back together with him as a way to be able to get away with not having to meet new people - possibly ones that would be a better match in a relationship?

These are the things you need to ask yourself before you decide to "go for it" and "bare your soul" hoping that he will feel the same way and come back to you to try again, this time with an agreement that bonds you forever.

Another Best Way To Get Him Back

Some of us know that getting back together with our Ex isn't something we want to do.

Perhaps he was abusive.  Perhaps he was a criminal.  Perhaps he simply wanted different things from his life in a critical area, like having children when you didn't want them yourself, and you let him go so he could find someone to have kids with.

In this case, what's the best way to get him back, when you don't want him in your life anymore?

It's simple:

Living a great life, being happy, pursuing the things that bring you joy, and finding the right love that matches your desires... all those things are great ways to get him back.  That way when he hears about how you're doing - and he inevitably will - he'll know that he missed out on something great!

And isn't it wonderful how you benefit from getting him back forever, either way?

I think it's pretty cool.