By 40, Things Become Much Clearer

I'll say one thing - it's good to be at an age when reality is making itself very obvious in people's lives.

I mean, when I was in first year university and living away from home for the very first time, and tasting that blissful freedom of thought and of action, the men around me were in their early 20s, and like me, they had their whole lives in front of them.

Unencumbered by belongings or debt, and the majority of us still child-free at that point, College and University days were so full of promise and dreams, experiencing joy with friends and lovers, and seemingly only dotted with heartbreak and hard work to mire the otherwise perfect surface.

The men I looked at had so much "Potential", and while I had hated having that label applied to me as a child, I couldn't help but apply it to the ones around me as well. I couldn't help but look into their futures and dream a little for them. That's what life's like when you're 20.

And sure, it was great, but now that I'm closer to mid-life, I'm learning to put value on a man's "current" (position/mindset/values/whatever) as a large indicator of his "future" and the lessons I'm learning now are much easier to read and deal with in reality.

A Second Evening With The Dusty Ex

Last night I went to a small-venue rock concert with the Dusty Ex. This was the result of our first evening re-connecting out of the blue about a month ago, and plans having been made that night when talking about our mutual need to get out a bit more this spring.

Before we went to the concert, however, we chatted for a while at his place, smoked a small joint, and generally laughed and talked about life.

After only two evenings of chatting with him, it's very clear that although our paths have crossed, he's very unsure of his direction in life and has been weighing a thousand different scenarios in his head over the past year at the very least. He's also in a semi-stable financial position right now, but the future doesn't look very bright and he doesn't seem to have any real thought about how to mitigate the damage.

And, since I really want to be with a guy who has a strong sense of purpose and direction and a solid grip on financial matters, it inspires me to continue collecting quarters and filling my social time with my Mantris and my Friendtris.

Thankfully, he hasn't brought up any kind of "talk" as to what these meetings have been, other than general re-connection with someone from our 15+ yr past. But knowing that I left him and it was devastating for him emotionally, and that the woman he ended up marrying years later only recently left him (a year ago? not sure), I know he's in an emotionally vulnerable situation.

Sounds like a(nother) man who needs man friends around him. I'll definitely be letting him do that by simply not being available. Easy to do after only a couple of times seeing each other.

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ex That Blew Your Mind

I just finished being personally mortified in a Law of Attraction / vibrational sense by an otherwise great guest post over on the Dating Goddess website, and am now about to reset my vibration to clear out anything that I picked up while thinking about what I skimmed over in the article.

Actually, thinking again - the contrast I experienced from reading that article was SO INTENSE, I should probably expose myself to it again and practice turning it around in my head from what it's talking about (which is what I don't want) to one that matches what I DO want... Doesn't Abraham say that they wish for us to experience strong contrast so that we create even more passionately in our futures?

Yes, I think I'll write a response to that article, from another ... more positive angle :) More reflective of what kind of boyfriend I see myself having and loving next.

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

I know that the habit for most people is to get down on themselves if a relationship with a truly great person breaks up. It usually does it because of our own insecurities and therefore we know, deep down, that if we had just been a bit more secure with ourselves and not acted like such a nut so often, we could still have them with us, and that thought pains us.

According to the Law of Attraction, as we think about "lack" in our lives, we attract more of it. So the more we think about how we screwed up and how we wish we could go back and do it again and how we wish this person was still in our lives, the more we attract feelings of screwing up, wishing to escape from current time and escape to the past, and we alienate ourselves from more and more people as well.

On the other hand, if we are to use the Law of Attraction to our advantage, we could purposely put ourselves in a state of appreciation about the many aspects of past relationships that we recognize were good and healthy and rewarding, and send out (via our attention to it) the vibration of appreciation about the good things that came about via love, therefore attracting more good thoughts and good feelings and healthy versions of love into your thoughts and life experience.

So, with appreciation in mind, I share this 10-point ode to the various ex boyfriends, husbands, lovers and friends I've had in my life:

10 Reasons To Appreciate The Ones That Blew Your Mind

10. He taught you that joy and happiness and sexual passion are closely linked, and you learned to value making love out of happiness instead of sexual passion being associated with soothing your anxieties or self-esteem.

9. He taught you that "still waters run deep" - on the surface you couldn't have realized how deeply passionate he was about his personal interests, nor how much he knew and loved to share with others. Once you and he were close enough for you to "touch" those parts of him, it was like they lit up like a city within his eyes!

8. He helped you understand the true meaning of commitment, devotion and deep love, and helped you trust your own senses of those things more deeply than anyone else ever had.

7. You learned from him to fully trust the difference between natural human instinct and the power of the choices that we make when it comes to our physical actions. By watching and talking to him, and by watching and listening to yourself.

6. You learned from him that it can be completely comfortable to take personal space time when required, and his smile upon your return (and yours upon his) helps remind each other that you love to see each other come back around after taking their personal time. With this personal space you feel a sense of freedom and trust beyond measure.

5. You learned more about what truly thoughtful lovers look like, think like, value, and are capable of inspiring within you. You've experienced passions that you didn't realize were there - animal in nature yet intelligent and rational as well. And isn't it great that he knows exactly where it's appropriate to act like lovers, and where more indetectable inside jokes are a better form of foreplay (when others are around)??!!

4. He taught you that every relationship provides contrast - even the most rewarding ones with the most passion, love, devotion and shared dreams. He gave you WAY more good stuff than bad stuff to focus on about him, which made him even easier to love as you practice keeping your attention on what you want, not what you don't want.

3. You learned, while being in a relationship, that a man's love of life in general, and confidence in things always turning out for the best, along with his innate trust in the people around him to make loving, responsible decisions CAN influence your personal will and strength to strive to be the best person you can be. Your trust of your judgement combined with his trust of his judgement is incredibly powerful, and you learned what a gift it was to return that trust and power to others around you.

2. Once the relationship ended, you were fully convinced that a lot of what other women talk about in their relationships doesn't HAVE to happen, and by trusting your own instincts (aka emotional guidance system) you'll be so relaxed with yourself and how life is going that you'll have your choice of men and be able to find an even BETTER match next time around.

1. All of your boyfriends in your life - good, bad or indifferent - have helped you clarify your "perfect" relationship: What you don't want, what you DO want, what's important to you, and what you hadn't thought about but would like to think about more. Be open to your own internal guidance and learn from it, and reap the rewards!

So, here's the best thing to do with the one that got away: say "thanks," appreciate the great things he taught you ARE really out there, and get ready to attract the next one that will be EVEN BETTER!

Playing With Fire: Get Back With The Ex Boyfriend

How To Get Your Lover Back

Have you ever read one of these "how to get your ex boyfriend back" type of books?

Did they help you at all, or just confuse you more?

Did they help you explore the reasons why you broke up with him in the first place?

Or if he dumped you, were they because of things that you could change, or were they just because of HIS own insecurities and internal struggles?

I've usually only relied on my girlfriends for this type of information, but I notice there's a lot of these types of books around, so people must be buying them if there's so many out there.

Have You Ever Gotten Back Together With An Ex - Successfully?

I know in our first ten years of intimate, non-familial relationships there tend to be a lot of turmoil going on around us.

In high school, I knew plenty of girlfriends and boyfriends who broke up and got back together over and over, until finally one day they didn't get back together, and instead one of them got together with someone new for a while.

Sometimes, that relationship would last for a while, and then it, too, would bread up, and the original couple would get back together and be quite happy together for a while.

This goes on from year to year, couple to couple, and is quite common in a high school and early college year environment.

But what about when you're an adult?  Say, you dated a few people, got married for years and years, got divorced, and then an old ex came back into your life?

Is it just playing with fire to consider dating an ex?  Or are there some success stories out there?

The Best Way To Get Him Back Forever!

Breaking up sucks.

It's one of the hardest things we have to do in our lives - make that decision, and follow through with it, and keep from relapsing back into old habits just because we're a little scared or lonely.

But what if you're not entirely sure you really WANTED to break up?

What if, when you look back, you can see places that would have easily resulted in something completely different in your relationship, if only you two had agreed to make a change?

Length Matters, Not Size

You've made this realization and have some regrets about your recent break up, or you wouldn't be reading the rest of this article.

What are you going to do about it?  And what CAN you do about it?

How long has it been since you two broke up?  What kind of contact has there been from him in the mean time?  Has he given any indication of remorse about breaking up, or has any contact mainly been about sexual needs?

And what about you?  Are you thinking of getting back together with him as a way to be able to get away with not having to meet new people - possibly ones that would be a better match in a relationship?

These are the things you need to ask yourself before you decide to "go for it" and "bare your soul" hoping that he will feel the same way and come back to you to try again, this time with an agreement that bonds you forever.

Another Best Way To Get Him Back

Some of us know that getting back together with our Ex isn't something we want to do.

Perhaps he was abusive.  Perhaps he was a criminal.  Perhaps he simply wanted different things from his life in a critical area, like having children when you didn't want them yourself, and you let him go so he could find someone to have kids with.

In this case, what's the best way to get him back, when you don't want him in your life anymore?

It's simple:

Living a great life, being happy, pursuing the things that bring you joy, and finding the right love that matches your desires... all those things are great ways to get him back.  That way when he hears about how you're doing - and he inevitably will - he'll know that he missed out on something great!

And isn't it wonderful how you benefit from getting him back forever, either way?

I think it's pretty cool.